The time when I ate so many coffee beans I began my asshole became a perculator, by Dominick

Last summer, I had the great fortune to invent the delightful culinary masterpiece known as “coffee beans and chocolate chips. The recipe for this is as follows: Obtain really dark roasted coffee beans, pour into a bowl until the clicking on the porcelain bowl starts to sound like some tap dancing little girl overseen by her presumptuous father on the streets of Hollywood, stop, then add enough chocolate chips until your Caucasian bowl is overrun by the raw power (cue Iggy Pop) of a thousand black slaves mutinying against their oppressors.

There.

Proceed to eat the contents of the bowl until the dead and mangled, white corpses are all you can see.

And count to one, two, three hours.

Run to toilet. Put coffee pot in toilet until it is bobbing forlornly like a buoy in San Pedro Harbor. Let the great experiment begin!

You now have we we in the colonies call: coffee de vida. Coffee of life, from life. The only coffee machine not powered by a cold electrical outlet, but the beating heart of a human, the only coffee to have be ground by the decaying incisors of a lonely homo sapien-- the only coffee as black as the souls that conceived it, the only coffee Richard Nix-


I hope you brought your mugs!