everything is fuzzing together, by sammygibble

in a few days i will be posting here more frequently. i dont know if thats a good thing or not.

sitting in the car, suffocating on my own mucus boogering up my nose because i apparently was having a reaction of some sort to something outside, i thought a little bit about how much i think, or no better yet, try to plan and look forward to things, particularly things that never seem to materialize. and im thinking now that that is a problem. not that its inherently a problem; plans arent always bad. but im a master, obsessive planner. lists, lists, lists, ideas for my wonderful life. but where is it? where isn't it? its right around me but ignoring it because im caught up inside myself planning what im going to do tonight or tomorrow or next month, thinking about how wonderful things will be. what, next month when im sitting on my ass planning out the next month? i guessssss

no. i think i will reach my own form of "enlightenment" (which really doesnt mean anything) when i finally learn to really meld into the moment, completely consumed by my environment, instead of pretending im a spectator which is what i usually do in most circumstances. lie on the road and stare at its grain, not thinking about it with my mind but experiencing it with that other thing. that other thing.

one day i was staring at the grain of wood on my bed and i only hope i can return to how i felt in that moment. there was nothing before me or after me. the bed wasnt a bed, the wall not a wall, the floor not a floor. it was all one thing or better yet it wasnt a "thing". i felt like i was more closely seeing my environment for what it was (which still isnt true because really i dont think anyone can). there were no stops and starts, no zombie like fuzzing out all that was in front of me or IN me, part of me, me, it, us, we.

what?